4 February 1997
About twelve years ago I would have been writing a blog if they had existed. Instead, as I had never heard of them but nonetheless felt the urge to record certain observations during everyday life, I filled a few pages with my scrawl. Gosh, fountain pen and paper – how eccentric!
I found some of those ragged old sheets recently and thought they would do here. One of them has appeared already as The Writing is on the Wall. Did you guess, or did you think I had the most amazing memory? Perhaps you just assume everything I write is fictitious.
Anyway, here’s a short one featuring Thirteen who, at the time, was aged 14 months:
Sleep Delaying Tactics Commonly Employed by One.
One is supposed to be asleep at this very moment, thus allowing me to write. Judging by the sporadic thumping emanating through the ceiling however, she is currently emptying her cot of anything that is not nailed down, to wit soft toys, blankets and dummies (otherwise known as pacifiers, of which, I am ashamed to say, she has five.)
She has a whole repertoire of sleep-delaying tactics when she’s in the mood to prevaricate and the latest is a blinder. She takes time to go through all of her other tricks (aforementioned toy-hurling, sad puppy whimpering, jumping up and down to make the cot bounce across the room, manic laughter etc) before she realises that nothing seems to be eliciting any response from bad parents. So she switches to Plan B and does a mega poo. Then she sits back (yuck!), makes the occasional noise to let us know she’s still awake and waits.
Eventually one of us will venture ‘Do you think she’s done one?’ and go up to investigate.
The lucky parent whose turn it is to check is usually met with a violently meaty smell upon entering the chaotic toy frenzy that the bedroom has become and a giggling, curly-haired dwarf in cute pyjamas.
It’s impossible to be angry and I can’t help laughing through the gagging.
Are You Receiving Me? 
I’m still using a fountain pen, with plum-coloured ink – for work!
You know, have you ever considered writing more than a blog?
Plum-coloured ink, eh? What does that say about you, I wonder? (And why not purple – is it because it’s work?)
As for writing more than a blog…. would love to but haven’t found my inspiration yet!
The plum is actually a manic variant of purple. I got it after I finished my hellish year of housemanship, sort of as a flag of mild defiance, then grew to love it so much that I never let it go.